For The Love Of GOD, man!

Before you even begin to think that this is a review of the (laughs) third installment in the Anaconda series, I ask of you to not to insult me. Why in the name of all things holy would I review Anaconda 3? It's probably as entertaining as getting stabbed. In the face. Multiple times. But I may review this film one day, but I have a life right now and Anaconda 3: Offspring was only just released on DVD, which means it would be incredibly lame, pathetic, and sinful of me to actually even take a look at this piece of crap so soon.

Maybe one day when Hollywood no longer exists, or the day before Armageddon, or when someone offers me a new house, a key to the Playboy Mansion, a new BMW and a shipload of money...maybe then I'll watch Anaconda 3: The Offspring. Or maybe it'll just be on a day when I'm in the mood for some laughs via unintentional comedy.

Anyway, the reason I brought up this post is because there are mysteries in the world that need solving, and fast. One of them is why David 'Multitasking' Hasselhoff would even sign on for this movie. It looks like something I could produce with the pocket money that I saved for over the last 10 days. It takes no brains, some cameras, Final Cut Pro trial version, and Photoshop for that f**kin' cheesy-cheap poster. I mean what the @#$%, right? Can you imagine the brainstorming that must've taken place to conjure up Anaconda 3?

Director : Hey so, let's make Anaconda 3 because...well, it's easy and I wouldn't have to write a script which also means I don't need any writers.
Crewmember : Yeah cool....that's revolutionary AND environmental friendly 'cause no script means no paper...hence no trees need to die.
Director : Yes, that too. So...it's Monday today and I have....let's see, eighty-seven bucks in my wallet and a twenty dollar bill in my piggy bank so...let's get rollin' fellas!
David Hasselhoff : Wait...what do I get paid?
Director : Paid?
David Hasselhoff : Yes, paid. For acting in your snake gig.
Director : You're David Hasselhoff...why on Earth would anyone pay you anything anymore? Heck, you should pay us to be in this!
David Hasselhoff : But I thought....
Director : Silence! Now back to work. Here's the plan. Five idiots get into a jungle, lose their map and their boat and their equipment. Make sure we have a chick in there who's willing to bear her golden globes for free. Ermmm....let's see. Yes, get the snakes to squish them just like all the other snake movies only this time *snicker snicker*... the snake also BITES them! It has fangs, surprise!!

(excited mummer in the meeting room)

Director : Oh and since we don't have any money...make sure the CGI isn't too costly. Make the snakes look like they were cut out of some cheap Playstation 2 videogame or something. Alright, people....let's get ourselves up and rollin' and we'll have that DVD out by next week, max!

Okay so maybe it wouldn't have been exactly like that. It would have been even funnier. But hey, for those of you out there who don't care about your eyes, I suggest you go pick up this thing. It's a perfect way to go blind on purpose. And if you actually pay for this movie, E-Mail me and tell me about it. I could refer you to the nearest psychiatrist 'cause there is definitely something wrong with anyone who takes out any amount of cash for Anaconda 3.

OH, and if that isn't enough, this was shot back to back with....Anaconda 4 : We're Retarded. Anaconda 3 is out on DVD and will play on some TV station in the US sometime soon whereas Anaconda 4 gets released on TV and DVD sometime next year. Unbelievable.