For The Love Of GOD, man!

Before you even begin to think that this is a review of the (laughs) third installment in the Anaconda series, I ask of you to not to insult me. Why in the name of all things holy would I review Anaconda 3? It's probably as entertaining as getting stabbed. In the face. Multiple times. But I may review this film one day, but I have a life right now and Anaconda 3: Offspring was only just released on DVD, which means it would be incredibly lame, pathetic, and sinful of me to actually even take a look at this piece of crap so soon.

Maybe one day when Hollywood no longer exists, or the day before Armageddon, or when someone offers me a new house, a key to the Playboy Mansion, a new BMW and a shipload of money...maybe then I'll watch Anaconda 3: The Offspring. Or maybe it'll just be on a day when I'm in the mood for some laughs via unintentional comedy.

Anyway, the reason I brought up this post is because there are mysteries in the world that need solving, and fast. One of them is why David 'Multitasking' Hasselhoff would even sign on for this movie. It looks like something I could produce with the pocket money that I saved for over the last 10 days. It takes no brains, some cameras, Final Cut Pro trial version, and Photoshop for that f**kin' cheesy-cheap poster. I mean what the @#$%, right? Can you imagine the brainstorming that must've taken place to conjure up Anaconda 3?

Director : Hey so, let's make Anaconda 3 because...well, it's easy and I wouldn't have to write a script which also means I don't need any writers.
Crewmember : Yeah cool....that's revolutionary AND environmental friendly 'cause no script means no paper...hence no trees need to die.
Director : Yes, that too. So...it's Monday today and I have....let's see, eighty-seven bucks in my wallet and a twenty dollar bill in my piggy bank so...let's get rollin' fellas!
David Hasselhoff : Wait...what do I get paid?
Director : Paid?
David Hasselhoff : Yes, paid. For acting in your snake gig.
Director : You're David Hasselhoff...why on Earth would anyone pay you anything anymore? Heck, you should pay us to be in this!
David Hasselhoff : But I thought....
Director : Silence! Now back to work. Here's the plan. Five idiots get into a jungle, lose their map and their boat and their equipment. Make sure we have a chick in there who's willing to bear her golden globes for free. Ermmm....let's see. Yes, get the snakes to squish them just like all the other snake movies only this time *snicker snicker*... the snake also BITES them! It has fangs, surprise!!

(excited mummer in the meeting room)

Director : Oh and since we don't have any money...make sure the CGI isn't too costly. Make the snakes look like they were cut out of some cheap Playstation 2 videogame or something. Alright, people....let's get ourselves up and rollin' and we'll have that DVD out by next week, max!

Okay so maybe it wouldn't have been exactly like that. It would have been even funnier. But hey, for those of you out there who don't care about your eyes, I suggest you go pick up this thing. It's a perfect way to go blind on purpose. And if you actually pay for this movie, E-Mail me and tell me about it. I could refer you to the nearest psychiatrist 'cause there is definitely something wrong with anyone who takes out any amount of cash for Anaconda 3.

OH, and if that isn't enough, this was shot back to back with....Anaconda 4 : We're Retarded. Anaconda 3 is out on DVD and will play on some TV station in the US sometime soon whereas Anaconda 4 gets released on TV and DVD sometime next year. Unbelievable.

Is 'Batman 3' Already In Pre-Production?!

Call me whatever you wanna' call me but I've never been so hyped about a piece of news as I am right now. Well, maybe I was this hyped when I read about news regarding The Dark Knight prior to its release. Yeah, I guess I was. But who cares...I'm stoked again so here it is:

Numerous sources from within Chicago are stating that pre-production for the third installment in Christopher Nolan's record-setting Batman series will start as early as .... (wait for it, wait for it).... January 2009! Wha..? How? Why? Which? Where? Honestly, I don't know but that's what all the buzz is about. A bunch of crew members have already been called for hire regarding the third installment and trustworthy sources such as BatmanOnFilm have been able to get a word or two out of these people, who claim that pre-production will commence in January with filming beginning as early as summer 2009! As much as I'd like to believe that this is true, I also don't wanna' get caught up in a wave of rumors that are going to turn out to be just that; plain ol' rumors.

My logic tells me that these are just rumors blown out of proportion. The fact is writers David Goyer and Jonathan Nolan have denied the existence of a finished screenplay. Director Christopher Nolan hasn't even spoken since The Dark Knight's release and sources claim he's on a long vacation. He hasn't even signed yet. Christian Bale hasn't signed on yet. So how would anyone start pre-production if any of these huge pieces of the puzzle haven't boarded the ship yet? Again, I don't know. But weirder things have happened so I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe they kept in under wraps on purpose? Maybe Batman 3 was planned all along? Who knows, right.

Either way, there's a very small possibility that Batman 3 will be released in 2010. A 2011 release date is more likely, despite the fact that they may begin principal photography by summer next year. We'll just have to wait and see.

Will the 'Hulk' Be A Villain? + Captain America Makes Cameos!

If you've read a bunch of The Avengers comic books you'd know that in a number of instances the big green behemoth we call 'The Hulk' has posed a threat to his own team due to his lack of control over his own powers and instincts. This was even writen into the storyline for the Ultimate Avengers animated movie (which is an awesome flick by the way). So there's no real surprise when ideas of the Hulk being an unofficial bad guy in the upcoming Avengers movie are being thrown around.

Mark Fergus spoke to MTV about his belief that the Hulk should be the villain in the upcoming AVENGERS movie that is being built towards: "I hope ‘The Avengers’ embraces that... You don’t want like 10 super-badass good guys fighting together. Where’s the fun in that? Let’s break it off a little. Friends or colleagues who become enemies is always an interesting thing because you know it’s based on love and friendship and that’s always the worst thing to have turn bad — is someone you actually care about and someone you actually believe in.”

**Spoiler Alert!**
Louis Leterrier added: “I left the door open for whoever’s going to direct ‘The Avengers’ with our last shot. Edward [Norton] and I, we consciously decided to make the last shot of the movie when he opens his eyes and he smirks at the camera... Is he enjoying it? Is he malicious? That’s what’s great about Edward. You don’t know if he’s a good guy or bad guy. He’s always on this edge and we’ve been sort of surfing that edge, that very thin edge during the entire movie.”
**Spoilers End Here**

This sounds pretty interesting to say the least. While I'd like to see The Hulk smash and bash with the rest of the gang, having someone like him go out of control would be awesome as well. It could be like a side-story. Either way, the Avengers is bound to be huge.

The Avengers is set for a summer 2011 release. Before that happens though, we'll have to go through Iron Man 2, Thor, The First Avenger : Captain America, and the rumored Ant-Man. There's no real sequel talk for The Incredible Hulk, but things could change.

Now for the juicy bit:
Check out these two stills. It looks like Captain America did make some rounds in both The Incredible Hulk and Iron Man. Tony Stark seems to be working on a shield of some sort with a half finished star emblem in the middle, while Cap's Hulk cameo comes to us exclusively on DVD via a scene that was deleted from the movie's theatrical release, in which Bruce Banner spots what looks like a man frozen in thick ice. Nice stuff.

'300' Sequel / Prequel Talk

There are some movies out there that just need sequels. They deserve sequels and crave sequels and can't exist as just one movie. They need closure and continuation. Imagine if Spider-Man or Iron Man or Batman Begins or Matrix Reloaded or POTC: Dead Man's Chest didn't have sequels (some of which are being made as I type this). How boring would that be, huh?

But then there are movies that don't need sequels. Not only do they not demand sequels, they shouldn't and cannot have sequels. Or even prequels, for that matter. I'm talking about movies like '300'. For those of you who haven't watched '300', please do. It's a beautiful movie and I don't mean Titanic beautiful...I'm talkin' hack and slash, visually stunning, epic beautiful. None of that mushy stuff. But as great as '300' is, it doesn't need a sequel, prequel, spin-off, TV series...nothing! It's absolutely fine the way it is and that's with just one single movie. Just one '300'. Just 2-hours of sweet blades and spears and 10,000 ways to effin' slash a sonoffab***h in half. That's '300'.

But hey, Hollywood is Hollywood and money is money so...why not make a sequel and possibly damage an awesome movie, right? There's been a lot of talk lately about a 300 sequel / prequel and needless to say, Zack Snyder as the director would be inevitable. According to the producers and Snyder himself, they've thrown some ideas around and Frank Miller is interested in penning the graphic novel as an addition to '300'. Zack says that he wouldn't direct if Miller isn't writing the graphic novel. Once that is done, the movie will be based on it. So while this seems pretty much as if the producers respect the integrity of the film, I'm still baffled as to how they're even gonna' churn a story out of this. Despite '300' literally rewriting the historical events that it was originally based on, it still is a period piece...so what more can be done there? The war afterwards? Or a story on how King Leonidas came to be the king of Sparta? His past wars, maybe? While the movie may turn out to be as stunning as '300', it's still a very unnecessary project. There's really no need for this!

When asked about reprising his role as Leonidas, Gerard Butler said that he doesn't see this project working out too well and would be skeptical about reprising the role. Finally, a dose of common sense! Gerard Butler is the man!

Speed Racer (2008) | REVIEW

I was one of the many, many people who deliberately missed Speed Racer in cinemas because of other huge summer blockbusters that were being screened at the time. I managed to get my hands on the DVD a couple of weeks ago and what I saw thereafter amazed me! I honestly regret not watching Speed Racer in a theater and on a bigger screen because it's a beautiful movie. It's a pile of fun, there's all the elements of the age-old TV show, and the effects just blend in so well. I enjoyed the movie so much that it makes me feel bad for the Wachowskis due to the fact that Speed didn't grab as much as it should have in terms of boxoffice revenue.

This Flick Is About...(NO SPOILERS)
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Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) is an 18-year-old whose life and love has always been racing. Racing is "in his blood": his parents, Pops (John Goodman) and Mom (Susan Sarandon), run an independent business building race cars; and his older brother, record-setting racer Rex Racer (Scott Porter), was killed in Speed's childhood in the running of the Casa Cristo, an incredibly intense cross-country racing rally notorious for rough and foul play. Before his death, Rex was rejected by his father for his choice to run the Casa Cristo, and publicly defamed for appearing to cheat underhandedly in a race. Now, Speed Racer is quickly sweeping the racing world with his artistic skill, driving the Mach 5 of his father's design, but remains interested only in the art of the race and the well-being of his family. Trouble brews when an acclaimed businessman named Royalton offers Speed a place in his multi-billion dollar racing league.
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Let me begin by saying that I was never a fan of the Speed Racer anime TV series. In fact I was never interested in this movie from the beginning thus the decision to let it pass in cinemas. But having watched the movie I can now understand why the series holds a cult following and although I know the movie deviates a lot from the cartoon, the essence is the same and I'm guessing a lot of fans were at least pleased by what the Wachowski brothers brought to the big screen. The movie has been described as 'cotton candy' because of its colors and special effects, and I agree with the term...which is not necessarily a bad thing. We've grown so accustomed to heavy plots and gritty drama that we sometimes tend to forget what movies were designed for in the first place; fun! And Speed Racer offers a bundle of fun for those willing to temporarily let go of logic, science and whatnot and just sit back, relax, and have a good time. That being said, Speed Racer was (though lighthearted) too technical for its own good. The Wachowskis try too hard to implement complicated storylines into a movie that doesn't demand it. There's too much talk about stocks, shares, industrial market values and how racing influences the growth of companies, so much so that the plot could get confusing at times. In that respect, don't take the movie too lightly and pay a little attention to the details when watching.

While some people didn't appreciate the way Speed Racer was shot which was almost completely in front of a greenscreen, therefore allowing the cartoonish effects, I simply adored it. To me it just sinks it so well with the film and turns Speed Racer into pure eye-candy. It's gaudily colorful on purpose and it creates an alternate world in which Speed and the rest of the gang live in, making the flick even more fun than if it were set in an ordinary world. The colors are vibrant and the race scenes are brilliantly done to show the velocity in which the Mark 5 travels. For those of you who own a Blu-Ray player, please take advantage of the way this movie portrays itself and watch Speed Racer in full-fledged HD; even if you end up hating the movie you'll probably love the visuals.

Speed Racer doesn't boast a stellar cast or any Oscar-worthy performances, it just brings a number of good actors together to form a family-friendly movie. Seeing Christina Ricci as a lighter character was like a breath of fresh air; she's always the brooding emotionally-tormented girl who earns the audience's sympathy in the end. This time she's just an average girl in a cartoon-like world. Matthew Fox does a great job as Racer X and Warner couldn't have asked for a better Speed than Emile. Susan Sarandon and John Goodman play perfect parents, so at least there's no bad acting in this film.

On a whole Speed Racer is a very enjoyable movie if you're a person who is able to let go of what we call 'science and logic', for as long as the film lasts. Try not to think about the physics of things and don't ponder too deep into the depth of storytelling. This flick is best enjoyed when you're able to bring out the kid inside of you. And frankly, you'll enjoy a lot more movies that way.

Unfortunately, Speed Racer's worldwide gross didn't even reach its estimated budget of about $120million. It still baffles me as to why the studios decided to release Speed Racer in the midst of blockbusters like Iron Man and Indiana Jones 4, knowing all too well what happened to Superman Returns when they gambled their fate on 'the fanboys' who were suppoed to flock into cinemas to watch the Man Of Steel fly again. Speed Racer and Superman do have a fan following and are icons in their respective genres, but characters like these are often labeled 'boyscouts' and they don't seem to garner much attention these days. A Christmas release or an early 2009 release would've fetched the film the revenue that it rightfully deserves. It was bad marketing plus stiff competition that eventually led to Speed Racer being deemed a major flop at the boxoffice, speeding out as soon as it sped in.

For those of you who haven't watched this yet, please do because it's 2+hours of lighthearted fun that has nice acting, a good storyline, and beautiful visuals. I'll definitely give Speed Racer a second watch whenever I'm free because it's worth the time. It's probably not going to win any awards but who cares, right? A good time at the movies is all we need and is all that matters anyway.
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Wrap : I give Speed Racer 3.8 out of 5.0. I would've given it a higher rating if it didn't complicate the plot. Not that I don't like a good storyline, but sometimes things are better kept simple. Speed Racer is a movie that I would absolutely love to see a sequel to.

Pathology (2008) | REVIEW

In my previous review I stated that Doomsday was gory beyond belief, which I now humbly take back. Pathology makes Doomsday's level of gore look somewhat mediocre and puts the word 'nauseating' on an all-new level. I decided to watch Pathology after hearing a positive word or two about it, saying the movie was chilling and a 'real thriller'. In my opinion whoever said it was 'chilling' clearly didn't understand the meaning of the word because 'disgusting' or 'repulsive' or 'vomit-inducing' would be all the more befitting. I've stated this before and I'll state it again; I like horror movies that respect the genre as an art, but I don't like movies that merely use blood and severed limbs to cause a scare or two during the course of the film. It's relatively easy to affect a person using excessive amounts of blood. Real horror isn't easy.

This Flick Is About...
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A group of medical residents studying pathology devise a deadly game: to see which one of them can commit the perfect murder. When med school student Ted Grey (Milo Ventimiglia) graduates top of his class he joins one of the nation’s most prestigious Pathology programs. With talent and determination, Ted is quickly noticed by the program’s privileged and elite band of pathology interns who invite him into their crowd. Intrigued by his new friends he begins to uncover secrets he never expected and finds that he has unknowingly become a pawn in their dangerous and secret after-hours game at the morgue of who can commit the perfect undetectable murder. As Ted becomes seduced into their wild extracurricular activities the danger becomes real and he must stay one step ahead of the game before he is the next victim.
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As always, it's a pretty decent plot that just doesn't form well on screen. I'm not sure what director Marc Schoelermann was trying to achieve when he made Pathology but it sure as hell wasn't intended to get people more accustomed with doctors or anyone remotely involved with the med business. What disappointed me was the fact that I expected something innovative from this film. I liked the plot and the fact that it didn't involve an army of undead people hunting down innocent med students in a locked-up facility. That would be the norm. I admired the fact that in this rare case, the bodies stay dead and the students are the ones who are up to no good. Unfortunately for me though, I started hating the film halfway into it. I hated the direction the story was taking and the overdose of dead bodies that were being gruesomely dissected for no apparent reason. A large chunk of the movie merely incorporates useless scenes of mashed internal organs and bloated brains that ooze out of half-naked people on a table. No, it's not funny and it's not amusing. Pathology sets a sense of discomfort within you and one main cause for that is the fact that you just can't bring yourself to eat or drink anything during the course of the movie. And that sucks, seriously! Popcorn, snacks, and drinks are a part of the moviegoing experience. *sigh* Maybe I should've anticipated stuff like this...seeing as it is called Pathology for a reason, right?

Another thing this movie goes a lil' overboard with is the sex. Yes, sex is a part of Hollywood and nearly all movies have some part of it embedded in them. This one has a lil' too much of it, and though I'm no boyscout myself, I know when a movie is trying to push itself via an overload of nudity. And this one has a boatload! But are they all hot? Nope. Just to clear things up; corpses are not hot or sexy no matter how nude they are. Severed people are not hot either. Alyssa Milano and Lauren Lee Smith are hot, yes, but the amount of scenes of them having sex with their respective partners were enough to lengthen the flick by a bit. Like I said, I'm no boyscout to complain about the purity of film but when there's obviously way more nudity than is needed it gets annoying. Making a good horror film is difficult to do. Making an ordinary horror show with lots of barenaked ladies is easy to do and puts money in the bank. It works, but it's not something I'd like to admire.

I think the only aspect of Pathology that got my attention is Michael Weston who plays Dr. Jake Gallo, the main villain in this movie. Then again, there really isn't a good guy in Pathology which is also a downside because you don't actually root for anyone; which is boring and messes with your sense of direction during a film. You always need someone to root for; be it a bad guy, a good guy, or an anti-hero. Back to Michael Weston. He does a good job at being bad so I guess kudos should go to him. The guy comes off as a mentally-f***ed psycho really well. And yeah, the soundtrack's pretty decent since it helps with getting the depressing mood of the film going. That's plus-point number two.

Put the whole picture together and I'd say you're better off skipping Pathology. And yes, for those of you who are easily nauseated by blood, take a step back and go watch something else. I'm not against gore in a movie but when there's way too much of it even though the scene doesn't require such a thing then it gets irritating. Sure, it's called Pathology and bodies are what make the title possible but c'mon...there are more creative ways to make a horror movie about pathology-related stuff than to show the audience one too many scenes of internal organs being brutalized! The flick is highly disturbing and will haunt your memory for some time...these aren't easy scenes to forget.
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Wrap : Pathology gets a 1.2 out of 5.0 because to me, it's a story that could've been finished in less than an hour yet it drags itself longer by adding sex and unnecessary gore. There's very little story and I still don't understand what the movie was trying to prove, making it something I find ineffective and downright boring. Not to mention I can't get a bunch of these images outta' my head! Damnit! So my advice is if you haven't watched this flick, there's no real need to do so at all.

God Of War Is Doomed!

It looks like my favorite videogame series of all time has been doomed to become a PG-13 insult of an adaptation on the big screen. Brett Ratner, the man who royally f*cked the X-Men franchise up the @$$, has confirmed his involvement with the God Of War movie. I literally yelled out a dozen 'No!s' when I read the news this morning and it was the equivalent of having your lil' hopes taken out of you and then having them stepped on, spat on, and puked on. Brett Ratner is that bad; I have no liking for the man nor would I care if for some reason he never made another movie ever again. Which I doubt will ever happen since the pr*ck loves to poke his nose into everything that's good in this world. By the way, this news comes from UGO. Brett hasn't confirmed his spot in the director's seat but he could be producing...all the same for me.

I don't understand how Sony would even allow someone like Ratner to take one of their most prized possessions and literally turn it into garbage. What calibre does Ratner have to begin with? What has he done so far that proves himself as an acclaimed filmmaker even? Rush Hour movies? Red Dragon? Music videos? For Mariah Carey?! Seriously? You need someone like Zack Snyder / Ridley Scott / Peter Jackson / Darren Aronofsky...someone who can visualize the size and proportion of ancient Greece and bring those breathtaking visuals to the big screen. That's calibre! That takes imagination.

The reason I adore the God Of War series is simply because it's epic in its own form. As CNN quoted "God Of War reminds us why we play videogames in the first place." And it's true. The game is story-driven, there's heavy Greek mythology involved, the hero is in fact an anti-hero who is a complete badass. He's a no-bullsh*t hack n' slash rugged to the core sonoffab*tch. There are Gods and Titans and epic battles with some of mythology's most horrid beasts. What more could a Lord Of The Rings-esque movie need?

*sigh* I guess I'll just have to play the third and final game in all its glory and then watch the franchise get raped on screen. What had the potential to turn into an epic, 10-hour long trilogy will now be nothing more than a PG-13, mediocre, brainless action flick with intentional and lots of unintentional humor, a sinfully sexy lady sidekick / love interest, and a Kratos who cracks witty jokes while trying to come off as badass. Ratner will have some hack who knows nothing about acting to portray Kratos, someone like Nathan Jones or Vin effin' Diesel, while the other characters will be played by former sitcom / TV series actors. The female lead's shoes will be filled by someone who looks like Mariah Carey if not Mariah herself. The DVD will have deleted scenes that make absolutely no sense at all and then he'll churn out a sequel that reeks of even more horsesh*t.

For those of you who don't know, God Of War tells the tale of Kratos, a former Spartan warrior and captain who pledged his allegiance to Ares in return for victory at war. Kratos' path turns into a vengeful one when he is tricked by Ares into slaying his own family. He then vows to destroy Ares and eventually bring all of Olympus down with him.

Thank you, Mr.Ratner, for being a jackass.